So, I totally stalk some of my exes online. One of my exes, I can find practically nothing on. Somehow, that just fuels my insanity. This last binge of Googling, I found an old article about him from high school (I had known about a particular incident so I Googled for that) and finally, found a profile that could be his on LinkedIn. (I even messaged him there, but I doubt it will come to anything. It looks like he last updated it years ago.)

Is that weird? Or creepy? I must admit, with this particular ex, I’m just curious as to what happened to him. I don’t particularly find him attractive anymore, nor do I think what we had was good. I’m just super-curious. And of course, the fact that he seems to have zero presence online only makes me want to find out MORE. Perhaps he’s in prison. (But then, wouldn’t that show up on public record?) I think that’s what I find so odd. In this day and age, where everyone and their grandmother seems to have a Facebook profile, where is his? How can he just have disappeared? (Or are my skills just not very good?)

As for other exes, there are ones that I’m still “friends” with. I see their profiles online and can’t help but compare my life with theirs. I want mine to be bigger and better. I compare our kids and our friends and our lives. Now granted, some exes that I actually still like and think are great people, the comparisons don’t usually veer into competitive territory. But other exes, I get very petty. Down to whose kids are more attractive, talented and smart. (Of course, MINE win. Need you even ask?) Although I do not wish them ill, I don’t exactly wish them well, either. (What an utterly horrible reflection of my character that is. And even now, I’m only upset that it reflects badly on me – not that the behavior is so bad. hahaha. Terrible!)

I think a lot of it is because I didn’t get the right closure with this ex. The sad truth is, I will never get it – and I don’t think I should go out of my way to get it. Closure is something made up. People rarely ever have it. I even still have nightmares that feature this ex in them. We were close to getting engaged (even starting pre-engagement counseling. How’s that for stupid?) and I left him for DH (who I thought would be a fling and then I’d get back together with him). The nightmares often have me and the ex still together (once, we were about to get married) and I am just haunted throughout the dream that something is terribly wrong but I can’t figure out what. That I’m not supposed to be with this guy and/or have these kids. It’s surreal and always bothers me at least a little bit after I wake up.

In fact, this is one of my recurring nightmares. Other recurring nightmares involve the typical:

1) I’m about to take a final in a class that I’ve never taken/haven’t attended/didn’t even know I was in school.

2) I’m about to get murdered/raped/assaulted (although, I’ve since stopped having this dream).

3) I’m driving somewhere and I get totally lost, am on the wrong side of the road, feel like I’m going to swerve and fall off a bridge/cliff/canyon. (Often, this dream features a map showing our progress, Indiana Jones style.)

4) I’m in the middle of a colorguard/marching band competition/show/parade and I have no idea what I’m doing or I don’t remember the routine. (This is very similar to #1.)

5) I’m with my ex and we’re getting/are married/together, etc. and just living life and I feel a constant sense that something is wrong and weird and it shouldn’t be.

6) Something terrible (death/illness/injury) happens to DS and when I wake up, it always takes me a few moments to recover. Sometimes it makes me weep when I wake up.

Anyhow, I find it somewhat amusing that a post that began about my exes quickly devolved into one about nightmares. Make of that as you will.