Today was the first time since DS was born over 14 months ago that I almost lost my temper at him. Truly, he didn’t even do anything. He just woke up earlier than normal and wouldn’t go back to sleep. This normally wouldn’t be a problem except that I, like the complete moron that I am, didn’t go to bed until 3 am, reading an overdue library book (that had a hold out on it so I couldn’t renew) and then didn’t end up returning today anyway. So, I was extremely tired, to say the least. And I almost broke.

My poor little boy almost got yelled at because his mommy is too stupid to go to bed at a reasonable hour. After all, is it a surprise the hour at which DS wakes? Nope. It’s like clockwork. So, all day, I was a bit off my mommy-game and cranky. Hopefully, DS couldn’t really tell because I was trying very hard not to take it out on him. Why should he be punished if his own mother is an idiot?

On a related “I’m an idiot” note, my MIL is in town for the long weekend and within five minutes of her entering my house, I wanted to scream. Just listening to her complaints and yammering, I almost lost it and had to leave the room.

Why? Why can’t I just let her be her and leave it at that? Why? Because clearly, I don’t want to. Part of me is okay with my behavior. Part of me finds my bad behavior amusing rather than appalling. Part of me glories in my sinfulness.

I bring this up because it is in such contrast to how I conduct myself around DS. I don’t want to curb my temper or irritation around DS but I do. Clearly, I am highly capable of acting against my nature! I do so out of love for DS. Yet, I am not moved to do the same for my MIL. One could argue that I obviously don’t love (or like) my MIL as much as I love DS (and indeed, I don’t). But one could also argue that I don’t have to like her, I just have to love her. You know, love of the action variety. Or at least, love my husband and marriage enough to be kind and good to her.

Blargh. Now, I’m tempted to stay up again tonight for another overdue book. (Same stupid situation. This wouldn’t happen if I just rationed my book-borrowing vs. become ridiculously greedy and borrow every book in sight. This also wouldn’t happen if I didn’t go through spurts of wanting to read a lot of books, and spurts of wanting to play a lot of Zuma Blitz on FB.) However, perhaps I’ll be a grown up tonight and go to sleep instead. That definitely will make tomorrow go much easier.

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