So, I called my grandmother yesterday night because my dad asked me to check in on her. (She was worried because she couldn’t get through to my mother and thought my mom changed all her telephone numbers. Odds are, my grandmother just dialed everything incorrectly.)

Anyhow, my grandmother seemed so happy to hear from me and so happy about DS. She has his pictures up and just loves to show him off to people. It made me feel really really bad that I haven’t sent more pictures to her or made more of an effort to call her.

Here’s the thing though. I really hate calling her because I don’t actually like my grandmother. She’s alright, I guess. She’s very critical and very old and I know she loves me – BUT… and here’s the real reason why I don’t call. She is unrelentingly supportive of my father – even when he is completely wrong and using her just to get her money. He manipulates her and lies to her and cries and whines and she gives into him. She completely enables his destructive behavior.

My father is one of the most selfish, narcissistic, horrible people in the world. Oh, he’s charming and sweet on the outside, but a complete liar on the inside. He thinks that every one else is too stupid to see through his lies (which are always inconsistent, never thought through, and conveniently forgotten). He has irreparably broken my family, ruined some of the best years of my mother’s life and refuses to acknowledge that he has even done anything wrong. In fact, he thinks that God is blessing him and giving him everything he wants. He even spreads this “gospel” to the people he meets in China. (I shudder to think what they think of this “god” he’s shilling.)

So, I have a very difficult time loving and reaching out to my grandmother, who albeit, cannot change my father, but surely, does not have to make it so easy for him. When DS is wrong, I let him know. I don’t tell him that it’s other people’s fault – and that’s what my grandmother does. She always says it’s other people’s fault. What a terrible way to fuck up your kid.

Granted, my father has the lion’s share of fault in this relationship and I by no means cut him off. But he’s my dad – and she’s just an old lady. What a hypocritical ass I am. 😦

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