My dad visited us last week and I must say, in terms of drama, it was very low (thank goodness). However, I think it’s also because I’ve lowered my expectations of him to practically zero. He’s completely checked out of this family, we don’t even know why he bothers to put in appearances. I guess he came back to visit his mother in TX for her birthday today and thought he’d make a stopover at our place.

Here’s the truth (and why it is so painful). As much as a complete and utter failure as a father he is (and continues to be), I still love him and wish him to be in my life. Even though he has continually and consistently betrayed my mother, our family, and stolen a good 30+ years of my mother’s life, I still love him. I guess I’m an idiot.

It upsets me on many levels, but of course, I am at a loss of what to do when DS and my future kids grow older. How much of the truth do I tell them about their Ah-Gong? DS seems to enjoy my dad (thus far, as much as a toddler can enjoy someone who barely interacts with him except for a few chasing escapades), and I would like him to know his grandfather. However, I think it will be increasingly difficult in the future. Especially if my parents ever finally get around to getting divorced. (Only about twenty years too late.)

I wouldn’t want to dishonor my mother if my dad came to visit with his new family (I think I would be disowned by her if I even allowed them in through the front door).  And quite frankly, I don’t think I would want to! How dare he do that to us and lie? How stupid does he think we are? Just because we are conflict avoidant and choose not to confront him and let him take the coward’s way out of not telling us the truth – it does not mean we are ignorant and easily fooled.

Part of me worries that when my parents divorce, it will be effectively as if my dad died. (Part of me wishes he WOULD die. Saves my mom the hassle of divorce.) He claims that once his mother dies, he will commit suicide because we just don’t appreciate him or some nonsense. Good riddance! (But that is also not true.) What an asshat. Who announces these things? Who does he think he is kidding? What a manipulative son of a bitch.

When I think of him and his conniving, evil, greedy ways, I get so angry. I get angry at my mother for being so stupid to be with him and stay with him all these years and being such a doormat. I get angry that my dad is so horrible and so awful and yet I still love him. Does that make me an idiot and horrible and awful, too? I get angry that I have to explain to my son why my father is no longer in our lives even though he is alive. I get angry that I may have inherited untold horribleness from my dad and that I may pass it onto my own kids.

I get really, really, really mad. I entertain elaborate revenge fantasies. And it makes me even angrier that I would waste even one second of my time on him.

Part of the reason I am such a vocal and mean person to DH is that I learned early on that you look out for number one – and that number one is ME. But what a sad way to live my life. I am grateful for DS that at least, I’ve been pushed back to number two. 😉 I know that many of my arguments with DH are rooted in fears of him turning out to be like my father.

But you know what? Other than traits of workaholism, DH is NOTHING like my dad. DH is considerate, patient, kind, loving, and loyal. He listens to me, allows me to bowl him over, confronts me when he thinks I’m completely in the wrong, and makes me want to be a better person. DH is a good man and I am often unworthy of him. As my brother prefers to identify him, he is the Most Patient Man In The World.

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