But I’m trying. Today, my mother told me that one of the doorstops came off the door and instead of just asking her nicely to put it back on, I said, “Just put it back on the door, Mom.” As if to imply she was an idiot for not thinking of that herself. I didn’t mean to say it that meanly, it just came out that way. I didn’t even notice it until later that I was such an ass!

Why? Why can’t I just say something nicely? Why does everything that comes out of my mouth have to make other people feel small and stupid and dumb? It pains me that I can’t even see while it’s happening. Only way later when it hits me that, “Geez, how could I have done that better?”

I can only hope that my recognizing it after the fact is still an improvement vs. plain obliviousness. That it is one step so that in the future, I can recognize it before it even comes out of my mouth. It’s hard to rewrite scripts. 😦

But I don’t want DS to be like me (and he is really learning so quickly) in this manner. DH always asks me why I can’t treat everyone as I treat DS (you know, patient, kind, loving). The only answer I can come up with is that I just don’t care to. Nor do I love everyone else as much as I love DS. But that’s still kinda shitty considering I’m doing this to people I do love. Boo on me.

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