DH and I had a big fight (twice) in Costco today. No need to go into it here, but it left me very upset and still a bit angry. And of course, when I’m mad, I immediately go to thoughts of leaving and “doing things on my own” or whatnot. Call it a gut-reaction bred into me by my incredibly dysfunctional family.

What was most frustrating about this gut-reaction isn’t so much that I reacted in this manner. It is more that if I were to be divorced or God-forbid, DH were to expire earlier than expected, I would be SUPREMELY screwed. I don’t make enough money to keep this house, raise two kids and still work and be a good parent. I’d likely have to move back in with my mother (a somewhat horrible yet comforting idea) and it would be really, really, hard. I’d likely also have to change careers (which is fine with me, but scary).

In some ways, it would be easier to do if DH were to die (well, assuming I had life-insurance in place – which we do, but not enough. *sigh* I better get cracking on that, I suppose.) which sounds TERRIBLE. I suppose he’d pay alimony or whatever if we got divorced, but then, would I want my kids to grow up separated from their dad? That sounds truly terrible.

Would the other option just be for us to grin and bear it and not be complete asses to each other?

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not going to get a divorce over one argument. DH is a very good father and husband and provider and I know I was blowing things out of proportion. But when you do think about things like this (and let’s face it, everyone should have a Plan B or C or D), it’s terrifying. No wonder so many women want to stay working instead of staying at home. It’s terrifying to be out of the job market (even for my measly 1.5 years). And the thought of what would happen to my kids – I want to cry just thinking about it. Broken families are no good.