There are few things in this world that warm my heart as much as hearing DH play with DS. Their screams of joy and laughter bring me such happiness. Close seconds are hearing/seeing my mom, my brother (or any family member, really) playing with DS. When people enjoy DS and he is enjoying them, that is joy.

But I think, in particular, I love it when DH and DS enjoy each other so much is that I remember so little of it when I was growing up. My dad was gone for most of my brother’s childhood and when he was around, there was mostly a lot of screaming and fighting and crying between my mother and him. I have many good childhood memories of my father, but they don’t make up for his behavior now.

And when I think of all our family’s brokeness and how its affects will still reverberate through to DS and my kids, it makes me angry and sad. Of course, I knew that would happen. Even if everything turned out happy and peachy for my parents (a very implausible event), there would still be repercussions. However, we always want better for our children, and there are few things in this world that I want more than to provide DS with a stable and loving family environment.

I’m sure I don’t need to go into WHY that would be a good thing. But I think that’s also why I am so hard on DH when he doesn’t get home early enough, or isn’t paying attention to DS or is constantly checking his blackberry. I get angry because I know that this time is fleeting and precious and that work ultimately will not make DH happy. (Work has its uses, for one, paying our mortgage and providing the lifestyle to which we are accustomed. That makes ALL of us happy. But I digress.)

I also know that’s why it’s so hard on me when my mother is pissed and doesn’t drop by and goes into isolation. (That’s another post entirely.) On the one hand, who wants to be around my mother when she’s gone crazy? On the other hand, DS LOVES my mother and laughs the most and with the most carefree abandoned joy with my mom than anyone else. So, mostly, I am sad that DS and my mom are both missing out on each other. I don’t mind so much her not being around for me. hahaha. Does that reinforce my cold, dark-heartedness?

And even though I am supremely angry with my father, I also hope somehow that DS will remind my dad of what he has given up and lost. But that is a lost cause and not a fair burden to lay upon my baby’s shoulders. My father has chosen his lot in life and he can fuck off.

Ok. Clearly there is more to this post, but I have to go for now. More later. đŸ™‚

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