I’ve got full-blown Mommy Guilt. Even though lately, I’ve finally resigned myself to the absolute fact that DS will have to suffer and be sad and get used to the New World Order (ie: DD’s arrival), it doesn’t make ME feel any better about it. I’ve gone on an Amazon.com binge to get him new toys so he can play with them while I nurse. I’ve also fed him ridiculous amounts of cookies, ice cream, and generally nutritionally bankrupt foods to appease him. *sigh*

It’s so sad. Even though empirically, I know that kids need to be exposed to suffering and that I cannot shield him from all of life’s little hurts and pains (unless I want him to turn into The Most Fragile Child Ever), it still pains me to not give him what he wants (within reason). It especially hurts me when he’s SO SAD that I cannot spend every waking moment with him. The way his face lights up when he sees me – it’s both heartwarming and heartbreaking. My poor boy. When I hold him at night right before tucking him in, he just buries himself in my arms, luxuriating in all this 1:1 time with me. I think I’ve cried every night. 😦

I know this is just a phase. After all, DS is remarkably loving to DD. He always wants to look in on her in the pack n play. He gives her kisses. Tries to pet her and hold her. It’s very sweet. Of course, he also gets mad that I’m not able to hold him while I nurse DD, but overall, he’s been a very good boy.

A good friend of mine suggested having a book that he can only look at during nursing, but there’s no way DS will give a crap about a book for that long! (At least DD nurses much faster than DS ever did. Instead of an hour, it’s more like 30-40 minutes at a time. For that, I’m grateful!) So, I broke down and bought all these toys that I think he’ll like. *sigh* I’m so weak!!

I have no idea what I’m going to do when DH goes back to work. Right now, I can at least catch up on sleep in the morning when DD sleeps her longest stretches. DH spends the early morning hours with DS when he wakes up around 6:30-7:30am. They hang out. Watch Youtube videos. Eat. Snuggle. Perhaps even go to the park. I might just cry if DH isn’t there that first week he’s back at work. Ah well. I’ve got one more week left. Maybe I’ll ask my mom to stay over that week so she can hang out with him in the morning? Or should I just bite the bullet and pull the bandaid off quickly and figure my shit out?

*sigh*

And yet, I am already plotting BB3. 😀 Clearly, I’m a glutton for punishment (and cutesiness!).

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