Kicking it old school tonight. For some reason, I came upon Shai’s acapella version of If I Ever Fall In Love on YouTube today. And of course, I had to listen to it over and over again. Of course, that lead to memories of that time period in my life (give or take a few years).

As usual, it reminded me of college and a particular boy in my life. (The boy I can never find no matter how hard I try to use my Google skills to stalkerize him.) It’s actually the lyrics that make me think of all the boys that I thought valued me but didn’t.

And if I ever fall in love again

I will be sure that the lady is a friend

And if I ever fall in love so true

I will be sure that the lady is just like you

When I first heard the song, I was in high school and young and stupid. I thought this song was so romantic. After all, this guy wants to be with this woman – and clearly has had his heart broken. But tonight, after the nostalgic hit, I wondered, “Why does this guy have to fall in love again? If she’s so great, what did he do to screw that up?”

Ah, the difference almost two decades makes. This reminds me of that boy from college (we’ll just call him, “F”) because he spun a good tale to me. He was a bad boy who had a tortured past. He was suffering and wish he could take me out and spoil me and all this nonsense. Meanwhile, he was seeing another girl and seeing me on the side and I took it all. I thought I was doing the noble thing, “suffering” on the side, not claiming him for myself. Not seeing that if this guy clearly didn’t value me or he would date ME and date the other girl on the side. (Just kidding!)

Sometimes, I really, really wish I could just reach my hand back in time and smack the shit out of myself. Talk about delusional. But that’s what happens when you’re just figuring out your budding sexuality and power and womanhood. You make a lot of stupid mistakes. It’s also what happens when you never felt desired or attractive and think that if a boy likes you, that it’s HIM that makes him see how special you are vs. it being YOU that makes you special – and he’s lucky to have you.

You add Daddy Issues to the mix and you have one sad, insecure mess! That’s why I am so grateful for DH. I am grateful because I never have to date again – that I’m stuck with The Most Patient Man in the World and I never have to find someone else again. But in addition to that, I am grateful that my little girl has such a loving and dedicated father. A father who will treat her like the prize that she is and will be – so that she will never mistake a man treating her well as something that commends the man rather than a behavior of which is the minimum that she deserves. She will be so used to a man treating her well that she will not fall for any old line and some douche bag preying on her insecurities.

At least, that is what I hope and pray for my little girl. And I also pray that DS turns into a man that treats women just as well. Parenthood is a tough task sometimes if even a pop song makes you all crazy.

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