****WARNING: Many Expletives ahead.****

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! GAH.

When I talk to my mother, I swear to fucking God, I want to kill myself or her sometimes. GEEZ.

Then, I get sad and think, “What if my relationship ends up like that with my kids?”

I think a lot of it is that my mom, despite over three decades in the US, still can’t speak English well enough to convey certain things. Other times, she doesn’t understand the nature of how something works (like EMAIL) so she can’t articulate what she wants. Combine that with the English thing and DEAR FUCKING GOD, WHY???

Of course, I have minimal patience, there is a whole history of baggage with my mom, and she thinks I’m the incarnation of my father. She doesn’t trust any thing I say and if my brother and I suggest the same fucking thing, she will agree with my brother and argue with me. TRUE FUCKING STORY. She thinks any disagreement or argument is the fucking end of the world and that we will never get along and we never have and oh, woe is she, the sorriest mother ever because she failed to parent me well. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

I. JUST.

GAH.

Of course, I love her and we usually normally get along. (Unless she’s been totally faking it and is always on pins and needles around me and how sad is that – but that’s her problem not mine.) It’s just that sometimes, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – *sigh*.

I really need to remember that everything that is easy to me now and hard for her will inevitably be my experience when I am older and my kids are my age. I would want them to treat me gently and kindly and not blow up in my face when I am frustrating or incomprehensible. Either that or I will find the one kid who is like that and ignore the rest. 😉 (Kinda like my mom now!)

*sigh* Now, I’m just sad and disappointed at myself. Character problems. 😦

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