In case you missed me, I’ve been out because I had DS2 two weeks ago today. I’ll have to write the birth story later, but suffice to say, our house has been topsy turvy in terms of the adjustment, but we love the little guy so much already.

Today, though, I want to write about how ashamed I am that I’ve not been more sensitive to DS1 and DD. 😦 I keep forgetting that they are real people (albeit, very small) and have real feelings that are separate from me. That not only is DS2 disrupting DH and my life, he is putting quite a kink in DS1 and DD’s lives, too.

It’s been particularly hard because we’ve had to go back to the hospital a few times for DS2’s jaundice and the older two miss me a lot. The kids have been very sensitive and any reprimand (no matter how harsh or soft) sends them into tears.

This morning was bad. 😦 I was super tired and cranky and already annoyed at DH. Then I had to deal with a bunch of crap for DS2’s jaundice and I was throwing pens and pissy and being a general jerk. Somewhere in there, DS spilled some milk and when I looked up finally and noticed him, his lip was quivering and he was about to burst into tears because he thought I was mad at him.

In tears, I scooped him up and started to sob. My poor boy. I never want to see that look on his face again. He is so small and so little and such a good boy! I felt so low and so small and so utterly shitty.

I know I am only human but all I could think about was how I am just like my father: violent, full of temper, and to be feared. I know it is not the same, but it felt the same. 😦

I still want to cry just thinking about it.

I just have to constantly remind myself that they are still babies yet. Not even four and two. They have been doing remarkably well.

Sigh.

I know in a month or two that we’ll all adjust and have a new normal. But it just feels so awful in the interim.

I just need to remember to give myself grace and to accept DS’s full embrace and forgiveness when I apologize. How he can still love me, I am full of wonder and gratefulness.

Advertisements