****WARNING: Many Expletives ahead.****


When I talk to my mother, I swear to fucking God, I want to kill myself or her sometimes. GEEZ.

Then, I get sad and think, “What if my relationship ends up like that with my kids?”

I think a lot of it is that my mom, despite over three decades in the US, still can’t speak English well enough to convey certain things. Other times, she doesn’t understand the nature of how something works (like EMAIL) so she can’t articulate what she wants. Combine that with the English thing and DEAR FUCKING GOD, WHY???

Of course, I have minimal patience, there is a whole history of baggage with my mom, and she thinks I’m the incarnation of my father. She doesn’t trust any thing I say and if my brother and I suggest the same fucking thing, she will agree with my brother and argue with me. TRUE FUCKING STORY. She thinks any disagreement or argument is the fucking end of the world and that we will never get along and we never have and oh, woe is she, the sorriest mother ever because she failed to parent me well. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.



Of course, I love her and we usually normally get along. (Unless she’s been totally faking it and is always on pins and needles around me and how sad is that – but that’s her problem not mine.) It’s just that sometimes, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – *sigh*.

I really need to remember that everything that is easy to me now and hard for her will inevitably be my experience when I am older and my kids are my age. I would want them to treat me gently and kindly and not blow up in my face when I am frustrating or incomprehensible. Either that or I will find the one kid who is like that and ignore the rest. 😉 (Kinda like my mom now!)

*sigh* Now, I’m just sad and disappointed at myself. Character problems. 😦


2012 ended with a bit of a scare – but ultimately, everything ended up ok and with a great party.

When we flew back from the DC trip, DD slept the whole flight back. DS was pretty good, but you know that kid who screams bloody murder because he refuses to get back in the fucking seat during landing and screams, “No thank you! Let me go!” the last 30 min of the flight? Yeah. That was our kid. It was so awesome. Even more awesome? DH almost losing his temper and being a jerk to DS. Not helpful.

The flight attendant had to intervene, too. It was mortifying. The attendant was like, “Kid you have to sit down.” DS pretty much didn’t stop screaming his brains out until we landed and taxied and I broke the rules and let him out of his seat belt before they turned off the light. At least he used his words.

Over the DC trip, DD had a fever and was throwing up and very lethargic. I wasn’t really worried, but by the time we got back Saturday, she was not getting better. She threw up Saturday evening, then again at midnight, and then at 5:30am Sunday, she woke up vomiting rust colored water. Since she didn’t eat anything brown (or at least, not in MY opinion), I freaked out and thought it might be blood. The doctor on call recommended we take her in to the ER and I chose to go to Children’s Hospital Oakland. Better safe than sorry, I say.

So, from 6:30am – 3:30pm, I was at the hospital with DD. 95% of the time, I had to stand and hold DD because she refused to let me sit down. Thank God for the Ergo! The doctors gave her chest and stomach X-rays as well as got a urine and blood culture to see what was going on. They wanted to rule out any obstructions as well as run a battery of tests because she can’t talk and tell us what hurts.

They hooked her up to an IV and it wasn’t until a lot of the fluid went into her that I realized how dehydrated she had been. Her face was not as sallow and actually plumpish again! Turns out she had a Urinary Tract Infection – and a pretty high one, too. (After, I looked up all the symptoms for UTI’s in children and she had almost every single one!) Since they’re worried the infection might spread to her kidneys, we have to be extra careful.

Thank God she barfed rust-colored barf (although they never figured out why) because otherwise, it could’ve been really bad. My poor girl!!

Unfortunately, giving DD medicine is like dosing a cat. Impossible. She has figured out how to cry without opening her mouth because when she did open her mouth, I would shove medicine down her throat. She would spit and throw up the medicine and really, girl needs antibiotics!! So, we had to use Feverall (a suppository Tylenol) for her fever and we just have to pin her down to dose her. I finally got a good method of propping her mouth open with a finger while she clamps down (OUCH!) and pinning her arms down. She just shakes her head and weeps and cries the whole time. It takes almost half an hour to give her 3mls of antibiotics.

This is how smart she is: when I lay her down on the bed and she thinks she’s going to get medicine, she cries with her mouth mostly closed and in a horizontal line. If I tell her she isn’t going to have any medicine, she opens up her mouth to cry. (I try never to lie to my kids so I can’t use that trick to give her medicine. Besides, it would only work once and then destroy trust.)

On Sunday night, DH got a call around 11:30pm saying his mother was in the hospital because she wouldn’t stop bleeding, was having trouble breathing, and they thought she had a blood clot or a vicodin overdose. (DH’s mom just had a Lifestyle Lift and I think it’s complications from that, too.) We were really worried – DH was going to fly down but his mom didn’t want him to. In the morning, DH’s brother told us that she’ll be ok. She has an pulmonary embolism/blood clot (lung) and pneumonia. The doctors said both are easily treatable and that they will admit her for a few days.

Whoever thought we’d be happy for an embolism and pneumonia!
All this, and I still stubbornly refused to call off our New Year’s Eve party. I’m glad we didn’t. It was so fun and we had a blast. The kids had a great time, too. (Well, I suppose only DS did, but I held DD the whole time and she conked out pretty well, too.)
All in all, a harrowing start to the beginning of the end of the year, but it all ended up happily.
So, Happy New Year! I hope 2013 is full of blessings and joy. 😀

My mother thought I was a Republican. When she said that there were two votes for Republicans in my house (she was including DH), I burst out laughing. I was in shock. “What?!”

How could my own mother think I was a Republican? Not that there is anything wrong with being one – but to so misjudge me!! Does she never hear the words that come out of my mouth?

And it got me to thinking how we sometimes don’t really SEE our family members (other people in general, really) for who they really are. We often see a mash up of what we want to see, what is really there, and what they want us to see. Have I been living my life in ways inconsistent with the Democratic Party? LOL. Not that I really give a crap about them, either. But, GEEZ!

And try not to panic. We are in the process of making some changes at our business (and by we, I mean my mom) and she’s really stressed out about it. Almost to the point of wanting to retire just so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Trouble is, my mom isn’t really the best with money in her personal life. She’s not extravagant, but then again, she’s not wise. Her house is huge and it’s just herself and just maintaining it alone is a full time job. Then, because we decided not to move in with her, she may have to sell the house. (Which she doesn’t really want to do.)

Whatever the details, my biggest fear is that she will move to Taiwan on a permanent basis. In fact, just thinking about the possibility brings up a wellspring of panic in my chest. If I think on it too long, I may just start uncontrollably weeping. I mean, I realize it’s not like she’d died but it still feels that way. She won’t be around to see my kids grow up and my kids will grow further and further away from her. I have almost zero relationship with my mother’s parents and although I had a close relationship with my dad’s parents, that also ended. Plus, my brother is on the East Coast and we’ll at most see him once or twice a year. Add my mom being in another country entirely and WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING ME?

Please tell me that my husband’s family is NOT going to be the family I see most often.

Seriously. I feel abandoned all over again (even though I’m a grown up and this is all hypothetical). Worse yet, WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING MY BABIES?

It’s not true but feels true. *sigh*

Someone stole my dad’s cel phone and racked up $434+ charges to Jamaica and Guyana. At least Verizon is being pretty good about it and will most likely refund all my money. I’m just annoyed because of all this time it takes. It’s not easy being on hold with two toddlers!!

Plus, I swear my mother is a teenager. She has used up almost all our cell minutes for the month. I now have to upgrade our phone plan. For the record, my husband uses ZERO minutes, I barely use any. My MOM, however, has used over 600 and we still have two weeks left in our billing cycle. o.O This is clearly revenge for my teenage years.

My mom laughed and said she was in rebellion. heehee. At least the upgrade is only $15 and next month, she does not anticipate using the phone quite as much so I will downgrade back to my original plan. SHEESH.

Sorry for not blogging yesterday. I’ll be out of town for the next week or so to attend the funeral of my maternal grandmother. I must be crazy because I am taking DS and DD without DH. At least my brother will be on the flight there with me (good practice for him, LOL) and my mom will be on the flight back. Did I mention that it’s 12.5 hours to Taipei plus a layover and then another 2 hour flight to Kaohsiung? On the way back, it’s another 2 hours. At least we’ll get to take the high speed rail so DS will see a train. 😀

Of course, my passport had expired and I had put off getting DD’s passport so I paid through the nose to get them rushed and done by a company (so I wouldn’t have to haul everybody all over San Francisco to get it done by myself). Plus that and the tickets (last minute, natch) and hotel, etc. Whew. I am very grateful that we have enough savings/income that although this does hurt (because it is NOT cheap), it doesn’t wipe out our savings or make even that much of a dent. We have so much and I am grateful that we have it because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to go.

Speaking of which, what’s with my crazy family trying to do all they can to dissuade me from attending? I realize that they say they’re just thinking of me and the kids, but geez! It’s making me feel very unwanted and in the way! I’m pretty sure I knew that it would be sucky when I said I’d go, didn’t I? I have been a mom for a few years, yes?

Ok. Back to packing.

Lately, my mom has been making these “joking” statements about how she can’t count on my brother and I to support her in her old age. That one of her friend’s kids works on Wall Street and bought her a Mini Cooper and gives her a monthly allowance and how she knows not to expect that from us. Now, once or twice, I can see that as genuinely being a joke. But she has been saying it a few times a week now, and it’s starting to piss me off. Because if she says it that often, that means deep down, she believes it.

Now don’t get me wrong, of course we’ll try to help her or whatever, make sure she’s not eating cat food or whatever, but seriously? My mom has money. She just makes poor choices. And it makes me angry that she chooses to do things that I don’t think are the wisest with her money – and then complain that we aren’t supporting her. Because she can make DIFFERENT choices!

She’s not a profligate spender or whatever, but she is worried about retirement and having enough money to live comfortably. I get that. It’s scary. But you know what? Don’t live in a mansion that requires a good 70k/year just for UPKEEP. Move to a smaller house! (Don’t try to convince me to move in with you and pay rent instead!)

I am leaving a lot of details out, of course. And we would never let her starve, etc. But this sniping has got to STOP.

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