Seriously. I just don’t know how I would be able to deal with a country and people who remind me day in and day out that I am not welcome here – so unwelcome that I will be shot for walking down the fucking street.

RIP Trayvon Martin. May God comfort and bring peace to your family.

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A dear friend of mine has been trying for several years to get pregnant with her second child. Last summer, she made it to about 12 weeks before finding out at her routine ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. It took another year before she got pregnant again. Today was her 12 week ultrasound (where she was finally beginning to hope) and again, there was no heartbeat.

It is so sad and awful.

I am so grateful (and feel so guilty) that I’ve had two easy pregnancies and two beautiful babies to show for it. DH was so sad upon hearing of my friend that he told me to get flowers and whatever would help make my friend feel a little better. (Not that flowers make dead babies better, but you know.) DH was still so sad this evening when he got home and hugged DS super tight. He kept saying it was so horrible and that he was so sad and that we were so lucky.

Times like these, I am pleasantly surprised by how sweet DH can be. (Not that he’s normally not at all sweet, but I don’t know why I think stuff like this doesn’t affect him.)

So sad. 😦

Every night, I try to pray over my babies as I put them to sleep. When I do so, I find myself going through a list of wish-fulfillment. I mean, who doesn’t want good things for their children? Sometimes, I find that my prayers seem to be a way to try and manipulate and control God. Other times, it is out of genuine belief.

Here is what I try to pray for my kids (obviously not all-inclusive) and the thoughts that go through my head while praying:

1) That they would be healthy and live long, meaningful lives. Not really sure what that means or looks like, but I’ll know it when I see it.

2) That they would be spared suffering. But then I think that a life without suffering tends not to produce people of character, hope, or perseverance. So then, I think, perhaps just enough suffering. Not too much that it breaks my children, but not too little that it breaks them a different way.

3) Crap. Perhaps I should just pray for resilience. That they can bounce back from things. But then, I don’t want them to be too self-reliant and not ever learn to trust in God. Or be too glib.

4) I want my kids to be smart and work hard. To know that just because you’re smart and things come easily doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have to work hard and settle for just getting by. (That would be my entire academic career. Oh, let’s call a spade a spade. My entire CAREER, too.)

5) I pray for my kids to have their heart take after God’s own heart. That they love the poor, are humble, and have compassion. That they see beyond the physical.

6) I pray for my children to value the insides of a person. To want to be a person of character as well as seek people who have character.

7) I pray for my kids to be incredibly good looking.

8) I pray for them to be funny – both to me and to people in general.

9) I pray for them to choose to believe in God and Jesus not because they were force-fed it as children, but because they have vibrant, full faiths of their own.

10) I beg God to protect my children from evil. I ask God to protect their hearts and their spirits and their physical bodies.

11) I pray that DD knows her value as a person and as a woman and doesn’t throw herself away at “inessential penises” (to quote Daughter of Smoke and Bone). Of course, I realize that I presume she is going to be heterosexual – which is somewhat of a prayer only because anything else will be hard for her. (See item 2. However, if she is something other than heterosexual, I will always love her and support her and who she is meant to be.)

12) I pray that DS also knows his value as a person – and becomes a man who values women and isn’t threatened by or use them. (Same thing goes for heterosexuality assumptions, here.)

13) Inevitably, I pray God helps me be a good parent.

I can’t remember any more off the top of my head, but like I said before. Not all-inclusive. What do you pray/hope for your children?

My SIL must hate hearing my mom tell her and my brother not to spend so much money. I hear from my mom that she tells my brother and SIL to buy things used like I do on craigslist or use cloth diapers, or whatever. And personally, I thought nothing of it. But today, I went to check out some used cloth diapers for my brother and he mentioned that she was a little upset about him buying them without consulting her. (The diapers ended up not being what I wanted so no harm, no foul.)

When I thought it over, I felt so bad for my SIL. Here she is, pregnant with her first kid, and all she hears from her MIL (my mom) is all this stuff that I do and how she should do things like I am. Now, I don’t think that’s what my mom means to be doing, but if I were my SIL, I’d be super pissed. Like, shut up already. I get it. Your daughter is awesome. She buys everything used and has everything figured out. Blahbity, blah, blah.

Truly, how intimidating and awful. Who wants to compete with that? I’m surprised my SIL doesn’t hate me and want to punch me in the throat!

Well, here’s the truth. DB (Dear Brother), pass this along if you think necessary.

I am not a great mom. I merely survive. I yell at DS quite often. I full on bribe him to finish meals. I allow him to watch 2-3 hours of TV/YouTube/screen time a day. I check Facebook a lot. I am often texting. I comb craigslist because I like to buy stuff, and if that means I can buy MORE stuff with the same amount of money, so be it. I spend a shit-ton of money on crap we don’t need. Sometimes, my kids eat chips or fries for lunch. I use cloth diapers because I’m cheap. (Although, the idea of my kids’ poop stuck in a landfill doesn’t really make me feel good. But I still use disposables!) I give my kids a lot of sugar. And juice. And stuff I never thought I would because I have stopped caring. (Kinda.)

I make plenty of mistakes. And truly, who cares if you cloth diapers or not? In the end, do you love your kid? Do you make sure they know it? Are they alive and fed and cared for? Yeah? Then good job. That’s really all you need.

In case you missed my rant about The Dark Knight Rises, here’s a YouTube video courtesy of my brother. SPOILERS AHEAD!!

First off, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.

 

 

So, what I liked, first:

1) Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. She was smart, sexy, and funny. And hot.

2) Joseph Gordon Levitt. Because he is Joseph Gordon Levitt. RAWR.

3) Loved Batman’s cycle. Especially when it rounded corners.

4) The tech and visuals.

5) The emotional scene with Alfred Pennyworth when he confesses that he burned Rachel Dawes’s letter.

6) Cilian Murphy, because he’s awesome.
Ok. Now onto why I hate this movie with the fire of a thousand burning suns:

1) Way to character assassinate everybody, Nolan!! Commissioner Gordon, Bruce Wayne (for being a coward), Bane, Alfred, Talia, etc. You name it, Nolan ruined it.

2) Hi! Let’s send ALL OUR POLICEMAN UNDERGROUND at the SAME TIME! That doesn’t sound like a terrible idea at all!

3) Oh wait, they’re all trapped below ground? How will they ever get out? What? What’s a MANHOLE COVER??

4) And why do they bother keeping the policemen alive by sending them food and water when they BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF and KILL all the cops above ground?

5) Let’s have random colored people (mystical Arabs or something) chant weird things in weird languages to give pep talks to Bruce Wayne in the middle of a giant pit (with electricity and cable, natch) to help him succeed in jumping across broken rock walls without a rope!

6) How the hell did Bruce Wayne’s broken back get fixed when they were in the middle of a giant pit? By the only white person in the whole place?

7) Let’s ruin Talia.

8) Plus, let’s have Talia be the REAL leader of the League of Shadows – so much so that every one knows she’s the true leader ON SIGHT – but NO ONE ELSE has a clue. REALLY?

9) With all the possible Robins there are in canon (there are FOUR from which to choose), you take an obscure cop?

10) Neutron bombs? REALLY? Exploding over the bay is better than in Gotham City? (I suppose.) No blast radius? No CANCER FOREVER AFTER?

11) Let’s have 3,000 cops run straight into MACHINE GUN FIRE. Great idea. What is this, pre-revolutionary war tactics?

I. Just. Blargh.

I love Batman. You don’t understand how much I love Batman. But I fucking hated this movie. It’s been five days and I’m STILL pissed.

Tonight, DS gave DH a roll call of all the things he loves. Basically, he loves EVERYTHING. Lol. He loves everyone in his life and the characters of Avatar: The Last Airbender, all his trains and cars and toys, etc. What a wonderful life he has – to love all that is in it. Makes me all misty. 😀