And try not to panic. We are in the process of making some changes at our business (and by we, I mean my mom) and she’s really stressed out about it. Almost to the point of wanting to retire just so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Trouble is, my mom isn’t really the best with money in her personal life. She’s not extravagant, but then again, she’s not wise. Her house is huge and it’s just herself and just maintaining it alone is a full time job. Then, because we decided not to move in with her, she may have to sell the house. (Which she doesn’t really want to do.)

Whatever the details, my biggest fear is that she will move to Taiwan on a permanent basis. In fact, just thinking about the possibility brings up a wellspring of panic in my chest. If I think on it too long, I may just start uncontrollably weeping. I mean, I realize it’s not like she’d died but it still feels that way. She won’t be around to see my kids grow up and my kids will grow further and further away from her. I have almost zero relationship with my mother’s parents and although I had a close relationship with my dad’s parents, that also ended. Plus, my brother is on the East Coast and we’ll at most see him once or twice a year. Add my mom being in another country entirely and WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING ME?

Please tell me that my husband’s family is NOT going to be the family I see most often.

Seriously. I feel abandoned all over again (even though I’m a grown up and this is all hypothetical). Worse yet, WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING MY BABIES?

It’s not true but feels true. *sigh*

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Every night, I try to pray over my babies as I put them to sleep. When I do so, I find myself going through a list of wish-fulfillment. I mean, who doesn’t want good things for their children? Sometimes, I find that my prayers seem to be a way to try and manipulate and control God. Other times, it is out of genuine belief.

Here is what I try to pray for my kids (obviously not all-inclusive) and the thoughts that go through my head while praying:

1) That they would be healthy and live long, meaningful lives. Not really sure what that means or looks like, but I’ll know it when I see it.

2) That they would be spared suffering. But then I think that a life without suffering tends not to produce people of character, hope, or perseverance. So then, I think, perhaps just enough suffering. Not too much that it breaks my children, but not too little that it breaks them a different way.

3) Crap. Perhaps I should just pray for resilience. That they can bounce back from things. But then, I don’t want them to be too self-reliant and not ever learn to trust in God. Or be too glib.

4) I want my kids to be smart and work hard. To know that just because you’re smart and things come easily doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have to work hard and settle for just getting by. (That would be my entire academic career. Oh, let’s call a spade a spade. My entire CAREER, too.)

5) I pray for my kids to have their heart take after God’s own heart. That they love the poor, are humble, and have compassion. That they see beyond the physical.

6) I pray for my children to value the insides of a person. To want to be a person of character as well as seek people who have character.

7) I pray for my kids to be incredibly good looking.

8) I pray for them to be funny – both to me and to people in general.

9) I pray for them to choose to believe in God and Jesus not because they were force-fed it as children, but because they have vibrant, full faiths of their own.

10) I beg God to protect my children from evil. I ask God to protect their hearts and their spirits and their physical bodies.

11) I pray that DD knows her value as a person and as a woman and doesn’t throw herself away at “inessential penises” (to quote Daughter of Smoke and Bone). Of course, I realize that I presume she is going to be heterosexual – which is somewhat of a prayer only because anything else will be hard for her. (See item 2. However, if she is something other than heterosexual, I will always love her and support her and who she is meant to be.)

12) I pray that DS also knows his value as a person – and becomes a man who values women and isn’t threatened by or use them. (Same thing goes for heterosexuality assumptions, here.)

13) Inevitably, I pray God helps me be a good parent.

I can’t remember any more off the top of my head, but like I said before. Not all-inclusive. What do you pray/hope for your children?

Just like some posts/articles/web content have trigger warnings for rape, violence, abuse, etc., they need trigger warnings on things for BABIES IN PERIL and SUFFERING. I just broke down weeping because this one book I’m reading had a 4 year old boy trapped in a fire who refused to come out of his room and follow his mommy out the house because she had to hold onto a 3 month old baby and an 18 month old baby. And he felt betrayed! And he DIED. And he is stuck there as a ghost in the burning house because he is SO MAD.

All I can think of is my own DS throwing a tantrum at the most inconvenient time and me trying to get him out of the house to save him but having no way to do it.

WHY!? Why are there books with such obvious WEEPING BAIT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AUTHORS??

That is all. Carry on.

DH is gone pretty much this whole week. He’s coming back on Friday just in time for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding on Saturday. I have to admit, I was a bit sad when he left this morning. I started freaking out on the drive to a playgroup. For some reason, I just envisioned horrible things and that I would be all alone and it would be really crappy timing because my brother would be getting married and if he died it would really, really, suck. (For obvious reasons.)

I finally had to force myself to think of other things because I was totally panicking. Crazy how my mind now works. I seriously was almost in tears while driving. Sheesh!

I’m fine now, but geez! Hormones!

Sorry about the no post yesterday night. We went out to watchThe Hunger Games while my mom watched the kiddos. Turns out, DS refused to sleep until 11pm and as a result, was rather a pill today. But an earlier than usual nap seemed to cure most of it. 😀 I thought the movie was good but the book was much better. However, DH, who doesn’t read fiction, thought the movie was really good.

So, there you go. 😀

Also, some random thoughts to close out the post:

1) I find it odd that Evangelical Christians want so badly to make the laws of this country a return to Biblical values. Particularly since the Old Testament Israelites had laws that were technically, Biblical. And truly, they had plenty of rape, crime, adultery, idolatry, and a run of real shitty rulers. Furthermore, in the New Testament, (I think), it is written that ALL have fallen short of the Law, and that all are condemned by the Law. Not sure what the point of this thought is except that I find it ironic as well as sad.

2) I think DS and DD are so adorable and sweet and cute and lovely and I break out into happy tears whenever I ponder them a little too deeply. ALL THESE FEELINGS!!

3) After having had children, I have discovered so many new fears. (This, in itself, could be a long post. As it is, we will just stick with a quickie.) I find myself bargaining with God as well as just looking at the odds of something bad happening (in order to calm myself down). After all, I am 33 and nothing truly terrible has happened to me (nor to the majority of my friends) so the odds of something happening to my children is also very slim. Sometimes, the slim odds aren’t enough to comfort me.

4) I feel guilty that I bought all these used Thomas and Friends trains when I just saw some pics of my friend’s kid with brand new ones. I don’t know why I feel guilty about buying used ones since FFS these things are EXPENSIVE brand new and really, DS couldn’t care less since all he knows is that they are trains and are his and he loves them enough to sleep with them for naps and at bedtime, but still, I feel bad for some reason. *whew* Deep breath.

5) I am pretty frakkin’ tired yet I am still on the intarwebz. Clearly, I am also an idiot. A tired idiot.

I apologize to all the women I have ever judged for not getting restraining orders on crazy people who have threatened them. It is hard. And scary. And confusing. I am college-educated, with many resources of family and friends willing to watch my kids, and I have the benefit of not having to work. How would a less wealthy, single mom who has to work and doesn’t have friends or families or resources even do this? The window to file a restraining order is from 1:30-3pm. Are you kidding me? Who can do that unless they take off work?

Even navigating the court website was confusing and I was terribly unsure of whether or not I had the right forms, etc. I think I was also a little too overwhelmed and frazzled because now that I’ve actually gone to court and spoken with a real person (I tried to call but was stuck in automated hell), it doesn’t seem as horrible.

However, as I am filling out the forms, it seems very stupid. I think the Temporary Restraining Order form that I’m filling out actually GIVES this guy my kids’ names and my address!! I mean, if he didn’t know where I lived (I put down my work address) or who my family members were before, HE DOES NOW. Even their full names and ages!! On the one hand, I suppose if he’s going to be restrained from approaching people, he has to know who they are. HOWEVER, that doesn’t make ME feel any better! And if I don’t put them on the order, and he eventually DOES approach them, I can’t do anything about it!!

This is such a fucking Catch-22.

I’m going to a lawyer tomorrow and hopefully, they can figure this shit out. This is much scarier than I thought.

On the bright side, I finally listened to this crazy guy’s voice mails he left for me at work. If I just play these in court, I’m pretty sure he’ll be restrained. Dear Lord, at least he’s polite and not violent – but definitely NOT normal sounding. Plus, he thinks that I want something more than a platonic relationship with him – which is IMPOSSIBLE SINCE I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM (IF THAT) SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

*sigh* Sorry for the capslock frenzy again. This does bother me more than I thought. Did I mention that the guy SHOWED UP AT MY OFFICE on Friday?

*sigh* Again. Sorry. 😦

I was going to post more in detail about today, but I’m too emotionally exhausted. The crazy guy (CG) came to my office this morning and my coworker, in an attempt to reason with CG, revealed that I have children. Thankfully, my friends and family have rallied and offered support and company and babysitting as I am figuring out how to file a restraining order. (Incidentally, much harder and more overwhelming than I ever thought.)

We are safe and DH is coming home after midnight from a business trip. I’ll keep you all posted.