In case you missed me, I’ve been out because I had DS2 two weeks ago today. I’ll have to write the birth story later, but suffice to say, our house has been topsy turvy in terms of the adjustment, but we love the little guy so much already.

Today, though, I want to write about how ashamed I am that I’ve not been more sensitive to DS1 and DD. 😦 I keep forgetting that they are real people (albeit, very small) and have real feelings that are separate from me. That not only is DS2 disrupting DH and my life, he is putting quite a kink in DS1 and DD’s lives, too.

It’s been particularly hard because we’ve had to go back to the hospital a few times for DS2’s jaundice and the older two miss me a lot. The kids have been very sensitive and any reprimand (no matter how harsh or soft) sends them into tears.

This morning was bad. 😦 I was super tired and cranky and already annoyed at DH. Then I had to deal with a bunch of crap for DS2’s jaundice and I was throwing pens and pissy and being a general jerk. Somewhere in there, DS spilled some milk and when I looked up finally and noticed him, his lip was quivering and he was about to burst into tears because he thought I was mad at him.

In tears, I scooped him up and started to sob. My poor boy. I never want to see that look on his face again. He is so small and so little and such a good boy! I felt so low and so small and so utterly shitty.

I know I am only human but all I could think about was how I am just like my father: violent, full of temper, and to be feared. I know it is not the same, but it felt the same. 😦

I still want to cry just thinking about it.

I just have to constantly remind myself that they are still babies yet. Not even four and two. They have been doing remarkably well.

Sigh.

I know in a month or two that we’ll all adjust and have a new normal. But it just feels so awful in the interim.

I just need to remember to give myself grace and to accept DS’s full embrace and forgiveness when I apologize. How he can still love me, I am full of wonder and gratefulness.

****WARNING: Many Expletives ahead.****

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! GAH.

When I talk to my mother, I swear to fucking God, I want to kill myself or her sometimes. GEEZ.

Then, I get sad and think, “What if my relationship ends up like that with my kids?”

I think a lot of it is that my mom, despite over three decades in the US, still can’t speak English well enough to convey certain things. Other times, she doesn’t understand the nature of how something works (like EMAIL) so she can’t articulate what she wants. Combine that with the English thing and DEAR FUCKING GOD, WHY???

Of course, I have minimal patience, there is a whole history of baggage with my mom, and she thinks I’m the incarnation of my father. She doesn’t trust any thing I say and if my brother and I suggest the same fucking thing, she will agree with my brother and argue with me. TRUE FUCKING STORY. She thinks any disagreement or argument is the fucking end of the world and that we will never get along and we never have and oh, woe is she, the sorriest mother ever because she failed to parent me well. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

I. JUST.

GAH.

Of course, I love her and we usually normally get along. (Unless she’s been totally faking it and is always on pins and needles around me and how sad is that – but that’s her problem not mine.) It’s just that sometimes, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – *sigh*.

I really need to remember that everything that is easy to me now and hard for her will inevitably be my experience when I am older and my kids are my age. I would want them to treat me gently and kindly and not blow up in my face when I am frustrating or incomprehensible. Either that or I will find the one kid who is like that and ignore the rest. 😉 (Kinda like my mom now!)

*sigh* Now, I’m just sad and disappointed at myself. Character problems. 😦

I’ve never had a problem with the theories of spanking. I think it’s fine and normal to spank children (within reason) and it’s not a case of child abuse, etc. However, recently, I’ve decided to put a moratorium on spanking DS.

I realized, in my case (and with great shame), that when I allow myself to spank DS, it becomes an all too easy resort. Because DS can be disobedient (you know, because he’s 2.5), it becomes all too easy for me to just jump to threatening spanking, or once I “break the seal,” so to speak, on spanking, to spank for even stupid and small infractions. I also find myself getting angrier more quickly – and starting to spank a little harder than necessary.

And I think, because I have such a huge temper, and a history of violence in my family from my father, that I really could see myself going over the edge and hurting DS. Not intentionally, of course, but I would just die of shame and guilt and grief if I were to cross the line into abuse and hurting (not just physically – but spiritually) my darling, sweet boy.

It was getting to the point where every time DS got in trouble, his hands would go immediately to cover his butt. I think that’s when you know you’re spanking too much. 😦 So, I am no longer going to threaten with spankings, spank, or hit DS. (I reserve the right to spank in swift and immediate fashion for safety reasons, though. I am ok with a spanking if it prevents him from running into traffic. Yes, that has happened.)

My boy is too precious for me to tumble down the slippery slope of physical violence. Plus, he was starting to hit and I found it hypocritical to hit him for hitting. It is hard to admit this, but there it is. I was a lousy parent. 😦

I seem to be off on my posting this week. I can only blame my sleep deprived state. I think I fell asleep for a few seconds today while driving with the babies – that’s unacceptable. It’s one thing for me to endanger my life, but not my children – nor do I have the right to endanger other innocent people. Off to bed I go!

Yesterday started off majorly in the Motherhood Fail Way. DS woke up at 5:30 and refused to go back to sleep. I was pissed. Then DD woke up because of DS’s crying which made me even MORE pissed. DH was awesome and took both kiddos downstairs (despite him also being super tired) and let me sleep another two hours. Sadly, the two hours did nothing to improve my mood. I think I yelled and swore at DS a ridiculous amount.

One time I yelled, DS had such a hurt look on his face and DH scooped him up and said, “I know.”

Such shame and sadness and amusement coursed through me at that moment. So much sympathy from Papa to son about the crazy mommy. *sigh* I wish that spurred me to change, but I did not. It got much better when we got to the County Fair though. Some unexpected small thing such as being able to put the double stroller on the small shuttle from the parking lot to the fair entrance buoyed my mood. I was much better after that.

DS remembered all the stuff we saw from Wednesday and wanted to see them all again. So, we did the same circuit. I am impressed DS knew where things were. (I mean, seriously, it’s a huge fairground.) We saw cows, goats, firetrucks, bunnies, ducks, peacocks, chickens, and then, the most awesome thing in the world. The model train exhibit.

We stopped briefly on Wednesday for the model train exhibit, but since all the running trains and tracks were a good four feet off the ground, it was difficult for DS to see anything from the stroller. I tried to hold him and push the stroller at the same time, but that was difficult. He stood a bit on the observation post, but then he wanted to see the trains as they moved. So, today, I was prepared. I made DH take and hold him so DS had an AWESOME time. They were in the exhibit for a good half hour at least.

DD saw some of the exhibit and tapped against the glass at some of the moving trains, but mostly, she was hypnotized by this magnetic signal outside. It just swung back and forth with a bright red light and she could not look away. It was cute.

DS also got to watch some kids’ dance performances, ate a bunch of ice cream, and rode on two rides. The same as Wednesday – the train and the boat. After that, he just wanted to see the rides – not go on them. Not that I mind. Much less expensive!

Of course, everyone was exhausted and DS fell asleep on the way home. Thank God he transferred from the van to his room with no problems. (Quite a rarity.) I had to wake him up after only an hour though because I am NOT having a repeat of this morning (and the past few mornings) of a 5am wake up call.

When DD woke up as well, I let DH continue sleeping and took the kids to feed ducks at a local shopping plaza. DS loves this plaza because of the ducks, the playground, and all the steps. He loves to climb steps. DD loved to watch DS feed the ducks. I would’ve let her try and feed ducks, too, but I’m pretty sure she would’ve eaten the duck feed. 😉

Then, we went to my mother’s house for a quick visit. DS had dinner and ran around. He always has such a wonderful time with my mom. DD, too. Whenever my mom comes over, DD will squeal and flap her arms in delight. It’s adorable.

So, thankfully, although the day started off with me being all Hulk Smash, it ended on a lovely note.

Now, before I continue, I realize fully that I am a snob. And judgmental. And an ass. So, now that we have that cleared up… on with the semi-rant.

A friend of mine, JL, and his wife, DL, just had identical twin girls about six weeks ago. These twins are colicky and refusing to sleep and basically cry all the time. As a result, there are many posts on FB from them both (but especially DL) about their crying and breastfeeding and all sorts of justifiable complaints. The other night, I had posted on FB my starting to sleep train DD and how even though she didn’t cry much, it still sucked to hear her do so. DL asked in my comments whether or not that was something she and her husband should start doing. I told her that her babies were far too young and that it was NORMAL for her babies to cry and not sleep through the night. (Especially since they just hit 6 pounds.)

Ok. I know that she is in a sleep-deprived state. I will even allow that she is nearing the end of her rope and I have no problem with her actual question/comment. What I am amazed at is her apparent lack of understanding how to use Google. I suppose this is a bad example of that, but it’s the one that spurred my thoughts for this post. (It’s been bugging me since Wednesday. How sad for me.)

This is not the first time she’s had questions about breastfeeding or sleep training or twins or babies. I get that using FB as a crowd source for information is quick and stuff, but SERIOUSLY? It took me five seconds to Google her questions and come up with a reasonable answer among the top five results. (Even if I was pretty sure I was right, I still Googled just in case.) Doesn’t it take longer to ask people on FB (as well as risk looking stupid – which, come to think of it, isn’t a valid reason NOT to post a question, so kudos to her for doing so) and wait for their responses (as well as find their advice perhaps questionable)?

Further more, when I private messaged her about what books or resources she’s already accessed to try and help, (after all, I personally hate being advised on crap I’ve already tried, so I first wanted to see what she had already done), she mentioned that she hadn’t read or researched anything. Not even asked her pediatrician. OMG WHAT? Might I also add that her husband is a DOCTOR? Granted, a general surgeon so he knows next to nothing about babies, but GEEZ!! Doesn’t he know OTHER DOCTORS?

If this were a decade ago, I might find it excusable. After all, going to the library or buying books requires the ability to leave the house – and newborns, let alone TWINS, makes that supremely difficult. HOWEVER, we live in the age of Google, wikipedia, Kellymom, WebMD, La Leche League, libraries that allow you to put books on hold ONLINE, Amazon, that I find it utterly astounding that she had attempted NONE OF THESE THINGS.

HOW? WHAT? WHY? REALLY?

I mean, is it a personality quirk? The fact that she’s only 25ish? Lazy? From Minnesota? Too tired? But if she’s tired, etc. then she really doesn’t want to solve the problem because – OMG if I hadn’t had sleep and knew that with a few mouse clicks I could possibly find the solution, I WOULD DO IT IMMEDIATELY. I mean, I AM BOGGLED.

Am I just a complete snob? When I was pregnant with DS, I read at least 4-5 books on pregnancy and read up on breastfeeding, sleep stuff, etc. When I had DS, I kept reading up on the first year, breastfeeding, sleep training, etc. The library and the internet were my friends. I also asked my friends and mothers’ groups, but those were supplemental. I have found that almost all the women I know who became mothers did this.

Is it because I am so close to the 1% that I live in a bubble of privilege? Her husband’s a DOCTOR!! It’s not like they’re not in the same bubble!! Plus, even if she can’t do any of these things, WHY ISN’T HER HUSBAND/MY FRIEND DOING ANY OF IT?

I just… I just… I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

I guess this did turn into a rant. Also, sorry about the excessive use of CAPSLOCK. I just… *sigh*

I’m always startled at how many broken families there are out there in the world. Every time I pick up a book and read about real people with real broken lives, I am astonished anew. I don’t know why, really. After all, among my friends, there are many of us wounded children. Some more so than others. Why would the world of books be any different?

I think part of what makes it hurt more now is because I am a parent. Now that I have my two precious babies, it becomes even more inconceivable to me that there are bad (and sometimes, not so much bad but inept) people out there – and that the collateral damage results in more broken children who grow up to be broken adults. Sometimes the breaking is accidental, incidental consequences. Sometimes, it is purposeful and cruel. Whatever the reason, it physically hurts me to read about it, yet I cannot look away and plow through anyway.

I think of DD and DS, how small they are and how vulnerable. Of course, there are times when I want to throttle DS (like this afternoon when he wouldn’t stop whining/crying for NO discernible reason other than perhaps he was hungry but mostly because he is TWO). But even when I yell or grab him a little roughly, I always feel bad and force myself to calm down. I can’t imagine myself seriously damaging him. I suppose that is a good thing. Otherwise, my friends who read my blog would call CPS.

It is so sad and heartbreaking to think that there are millions of children out there who are ill used and unwanted and unloved. It breaks my heart that there are millions of children who ARE loved and cared for – but because of pure chance, live in a part of the world where their parents cannot provide for them in the manner in which I can provide lavishly for my kids. It isn’t fair – and yet, I am grateful beyond measure that it isn’t the other way around.